2 Questions I Ask Myself When I’m Totally Overwhelmed

Does the weight of motherhood ever feel physical?

Some mornings I wake up already overwhelmed, mom burn-out looming the moment my alarm goes off.

I feel the weight of responsibility settle over me before I’ve even climbed out of bed.

There have even been times when I’ve felt sick to my stomach at the thought of everything I had to get done that day.

And then I learned two magic questions.

I Stopped “Powering Through”

I used to think that being overwhelmed was just part of this mom gig. Stuff has to get done, and who else is going to do it?

If I was burnt out, exhausted, and feeling helpless, I’d shrug (and maybe cry a little) and then tell myself to “power through it.”

Like my distress was a pulled muscle I could “walk off.”

Now I see that sick-to-my-stomach feeling not as a norm to be endured–but as a big fat red flag.

If I feel like I’m drowning, I need to make a change.

Shedding the Overwhelm

I know you’re already struggling to keep it together. I’ve been there, mama. So I know firsthand that the idea of “making a change” probably feels like one more task on your already overfull to-do list.

I promise, I’m going to make it super easy.

The first step is to shift your perspective about the wants and needs that are pelting you. Because not all wants/needs are created equally.

Is your “important” drowning in the “urgent”?

Needs and wants come in two different categories.

Some of them are urgent. These are the tasks and to-dos that shout at us, frazzling our brain with their demanding, noisy persistence:

• A hungry toddler screaming for a different color crayon,
• The piles of schoolwork kids bring home from school,
• Text messages and emails filling up your inbox,
• Piles of laundry and dishes cluttering your sight lines.

The “urgent” things are noisy, pushy, and consistent.

They keep coming. They push their way in. Their sheer volume keeps our attention–and they often push us over the edge into overwhelmed mom territory.

Because often, the urgent, noisy things drown out the quiet, important things.

The important things are physically, mentally, and emotionally, sustaining–but they’re also quiet and easily overlooked. They are things like:

• Resting when we are tired,
• Setting up systems to help our days run smoother,
• Creating, reading, or learning just for the sake of enjoyment, and
• Connecting with the people we love,

It is hard to make time for those things, because the clamor of urgent things makes us feel trapped in a constant cycle of putting out fires.

I use my Powersheets goal planner to help me figure out what my important things are–but I’ve also had to learn how to make space for the quiet and important.

And it’s as simple as asking yourself these two questions.

The Magic Questions for Overwhelmed Mom Days

How did it feel reading the “important” list? Did your heart long for any of those experiences? We’re going to create space for you to have some of those things today by asking the magic questions.

Ready?

Here are the two questions I ask myself when I feel am maxed out and ready to fall apart:

1. What has a deadline of today?

I’m a list-maker. I love the order, the certainty, the neat little lines, and–maybe most of all–the feeling of crossing things off when they’re completed.

And when I make my to-do list for the day, I often write out not just the things that have to be done, but also the things I think I “should be able to do.”

Do you do this?

Do your “should be able to”s crash and burn as often as mine do?

Today, let’s be gentler.

Look at your to do list and ask: What on my to-do list has a deadline of today?

“Calendar Deadline” or “Need Deadline?’

There are a two kinds of today deadlines: calendar deadlines, and need-deadlines.

“Calendar deadlines” are things that only happen on that day, like:

• National holidays
  (4th of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving, etc.)
• Appointments
  (doctor’s appointment, teacher conference)
• Once a year anniversaries
  (birthdays, wedding anniversaries)

“Need deadlines” are things that have to happen because of a current need, like:

• Needing a milk for tomorrow’s breakfast,
• Having a hungry toddler who needs a snack STAT, or
• Needing to return a borrowed item to a friend who needs it that day.

The things with a calendar or need deadline of today are the ONLY urgent things that deserve your attention today.

All the other urgent things can wait, however impatient they are about it!

But I’ll Just Get More Behind!

I hear you. Falling further behind is absolutely the #1 fear that pops up in my own brain when I’m in overwhelmed mom mode.

But here’s the thing: our capacity is different every day.

On an overwhelmed day, I have less physical energy, less mental focus, and less patience. Adding an excess of “should dos” to my list will only exacerbate those challenges.

If I take good care of myself today–removing some urgent things so I can fill in the cup-filling important things–my capacity will probably be better tomorrow.

But some days we’re burnt out. That’s okay.

Give yourself grace.

Be gentle.

Cross off all the things that don’t have a today-deadline, and ask yourself the next question.

2. How can I simplify the things that do have to get done today?

It would be great if asking the first question revealed that, hey–nothing actually has to get done today! But I think we both know that’s probably not gonna happen.

So let’s try to make the things that do have a today-deadline feel as easy as possible.

Let’s go back to the running-out-of-milk example.

I used to make the mistake of thinking that if I had to get one thing from the grocery store, I had to do a full grocery run. Get everything on the list so we were all caught up.

So in my head, buying milk always escalated to dragging all the kids to the store and doing all our shopping. Which on a hard day feels like attempting to summit Mount Everest.

Or maybe I had planned to do my shopping Tuesday, and now it’s Tuesday. I’m overwhelmed and we are out of milk, and I’m like: I’m so tired I can’t even bear to think of taking all my babies to the grocery store.

I could try to power through–and it would burn me out.

Or I can take a step back and simplify.

How else could I approach this problem?

• I can get groceries delivered by a service like Instacart.
• I could try my grocery store’s curbside pick up. (Walmart grocery does this, too! And Target does curbside for non-grocery items!)
• I could shop but ONLY buy what we absolutely need to get us through a few more days.
• I could ask my husband to pick up a gallon of milk on his way home.

Simplifying means finding the most effective way to get something done.

If you don’t need a whole grocery run, it’s okay to not do one. Just do what actually needs to be done.

Finding Space to Breathe

It’s so easy to burn out, mama. I promise, I really do have overwhelmed mom days, too. It’s just so easy to feel in over our heads.

When ask yourself these two questions, you’re giving yourself a lifeline.

Allowing yourself to cut out some of the things that are urgent, but not important.

And giving yourself grace and breathing room, so you’ll have time to do the things that are quiet and important.

Your mothering (and person-ing) will only be better for it.

xo,
Jamie

p.s. Six ways to stop feeling burnt-out, how to rescue a “mean mom” day, and why it’s okay to spend time on yourself.

Watch the Video: “Magic Questions for Overwhelmed Mom Days”

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Pin images via Nadine Rupprecht and Anthony Tran