“So my daughter’s friend from school… I, like, love her mom,” I sighed to my best friend.
Only, my best friend wasn’t actually there.
I was sitting in the car recording a Marco Polo for her, because she broke the cardinal rule of best-friendship. And moved away.
It was the weirdest happy/sad feeling when she got the news that her hubby had landed a job in Arizona: a job they’d both wanted for him. A job right near so much of their family, where they could be home for holidays and their little boy could grow up around his cousins.
I was thrilled for her, and absolutely crushed for me. Because Phoenix, where that dream job is? It’s 980 miles away.
“She’s so funny and cool and down to earth,” I went on. “So… I don’t know.”
I went on, listing the other things I loved about this not-yet-official potential-mom-friend, feeling weirdly like I was reciting my qualifications in a soulmate.
Because that’s the thing no one tells you about being a so-called “grown up.”
Making friends? It can feel really hard.
Making Grown Up Friends
That’s why I wanted to slip you a note, like we’re sitting in some kind of “how to adult” class and you’re in the desk behind me.
Imagine it’s on lined paper and folded up into one of those origami squares we used to make for our BFFs in high school. And at the top I’m going to write in sharpie, “HOW TO MAKE MOM FRIENDS.”
Because I want you to feel brave, and capable, I’m writing you this note with four things you can do to start building a friendship right now.
You don’t have to sit around and wait for fate to take charge, or for someone else to come up to you.
You don’t even have to be put-together. You can be awkward. It’s okay.
You just have to be willing to do these four things…
1. Put Yourself Out There.
Mama, I was not prepared for how similar the creation of a new mom-friendship would feel to dating: The awkward first conversations, the sudden concern about what someone else thinks of you, and the weirdly familiar fear of rejection.
It’s like being single all over again.
But in a way, that makes sense, right?
In this stage of life, we are waist deep in our family’s needs. We’re balancing naps and school schedules, breaking up arguments and trying to help our littles grow up into self-sustaining human beings. We don’t have the luxury of casual, so-so friendships.
We’re basically looking for a mom-friend-soulmate. Someone who will have our backs, help us have fun, and honestly understand when our lives turn in to hot messes for a bit.
And that’s why you’ve got to put the real you out there if you want to make the most awesome of mom-friends.
Sure, you can pretend to be in to whatever the carpool mom down the street is in to, but you could end up slogging through a run at 5am every morning, when you’re more of an evening book club girl–or vice-versa!
When you are your honest, real self, you’ve got a way better shot of finding your perfect friend match–and you’ll also quickly understand who isn’t a good fit.
2. Make an Invitation.
So let’s say you put yourself out there, and you hit it off with another mom at the park/gymnastics/in the Lego aisle of Target. (I honestly made a friend in the Target parking lot once. She gave me a dining room table later. It can happen.)
Now you’ve got to do another brave thing: you need to make an invitation.
It doesn’t have to be crazy or impressive.
My now-Arizonian BFF? We became friends because I invited myself to join her for her morning walks.
Was it awkward? Ab-so-lutely.
Was it worth it? See above. 😉
3. Remember Her Stuff.
Here’s a little secret: one of the easiest ways to show someone you care is to simply make an effort to remember their stuff.
Remember her kids names, her husband’s name, and that food she’s allergic to, and her guilty-pleasure TV show.
Remember her birthday, when she gets back from her vacations, and her favorite way to escape for a little while.
Remember which days she might struggle because she’s lost a parent, or she has a scary doctor’s appointment
The great thing about this “remembering stuff” thing? It is a big deal that takes very little actual time and energy. It’s a pledge of good faith that I can offer the people I love even when I’m underwater because I’ve got four kids (which is a thing all on it’s own), I’m under-slept, and my husband is working a string of night shifts.
Just remember her stuff, mama.
Want a little hack to help?
Keep a note on your phone so you have somewhere to write down her favorite treat or her sister’s new baby’s name, and when she mentions an important date, add it to your calendar.
Writing it down is not cheating! It’s caring enough to make an effort.
4. Keep Showing Up.
Love–even the friendship kind–is a choice.
Love requires action, and one of the biggest active choices we can make is to keep showing up for our people.
I know you’re busy, because “busy” is kind of part and parcel of the motherhood gig. So I don’t want you to think that showing up means you have to continuously, physically show up. You can–but standing on your new friend’s doorstep with a pizza is not the only way to “be there” for her. (Thought it’s not a bad idea if you can swing it!)
Showing up means finding ways to support her, like…
A text…
- when you see something that reminds you of her (a llama pin at Target?)
- to share a meme she’d laugh at,
- to check how her mom’s mammogram went,
- to say hi,
- to share a book / song / chick flick recommendation,
- to send a snapshot of a thought-provoking quote,
- because she was just on your mind.
A phone call…
- because you are running to Costco and miraculously have no kids in the car,
- to check in on her,
- because you’re sad and you need a friend.
A ding-dong-ditch (or quick-stop-by)…
- to drop off a candy bar,
- to give her a hug,
- to drop off some sunflowers that were on sale at Costco,
- because you were in the neighborhood,
- to bring her dinner (because who doesn’t want a break from making dinner?!).
And other stuff like…
- sitting next to her at church or the PTA meeting,
- inviting her to meet you for lunch,
- sending her a birthday card,
- babysitting her kid(s),
- setting up a playdate for YOURSELVES to hang out, or
- just plain old checking in, via phone, text, email, or whatever if you haven’t been in touch in a while.
The Bottom Line
The real, honest-to-goodness truth is that sometimes it feels big and scary and un-doable, but it’s not.
It can’t be big, because that’s not how love works.
Friendship grows in the small and simple, in the constant showing-up and being-there, in the honest confession of your own shortcomings and the loving-through of someone else’s.
It might be new and outside of your comfort zone, but you can do it.
In the words of the infamous duo, Bill and Ted, just be excellent to each other.
xo,
Jamie
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