My kids love each other. They do. But last summer I thought I might lose my mind.
Day after day, hour after hour, for the first few weeks I was called in to referee. There were sharing tug-of-wars. There was yelling, fighting, tussling, and even some hair-pulling. There was “That’s not fair!” “I’m having it!” and lots and lots of “I’m telling Mooooom!”
So if you’ve ever wondered how to help kids stop fighting, here’s the crazy (but awesome) technique that transformed our house in just a few weeks. In our experience, it works with kids ages 3ยฝ and up!
The Problems to Solve
I want to clarify upfront that this process takes time and effort up front–but it is solving more than just the fighting problem. It can be a pain to implement (I’m just being honest) but if you stick with it, it will pay off like you won’t believe. I can’t remember now the last time I refereed a fight between my 4 and 6 year old. And they are closer and more forgiving than I ever expected them to be at this age.
Here are the problems I wanted to solve when I tackled helping my kids learn to stop fighting. I wanted to:
- Stop being the referee of non-stop bicker-fests,
- Show my kids how to accept responsibility for their actions,
- Show them that they are in charge of maintaining their own relationship,
- Teach my kids–step-by-step–how to apologize in a meaningful way, and
- Teach them empathy for each other.
The Solutions
Right around the beginning of that perilous summer vacation, I finished reading one of my all-time favorite parenting books, The Entitlement Trap by Richard and Linda Eyre. (Check out more of my favorite books here.) They had an awesome solution for when their (nine!) kids fought, and I wanted to try it out. They called it “The Repentance Bench,” but at our house, it’s just called “The Fighting Step.”
The Eyre’s routine would help fix problems 1-3, but how could I teach my kids how to apologize for real, and practice observing the others’ feelings? A wonderful article called “A Better Way to Say Sorry” from Cuppa Cocoa–pinned long ago to my parenting board–provided the answer. I needed to dig a little deeper and spend a little more time verbally coaching them through a real apology.
The “Fighting Step” Routine
So, here’s how the fighting step routine goes, step by step.
- Somebody tattles and/or I notice a serious conflict getting way out of hand.
- I ask if they need me to “help them” on the Fighting Step, or if they can work it out themselves. (If things are really rough–hitting, screaming, etc.–I just send them to the step instead giving them the option.)
- The (angry) disputants sit down side by side on the Fighting Step. They love this. (No. They don’t.)
- All disputants have to stay on the step until each of them has told me what THEY (not their sibling) did wrong in the situation. To keep it from looking too biased or like I am casting blame, I always have the tattler do this first. If they can’t figure out what they did wrong, they can ask their sibling for help. They also love this! (Again. No. They don’t.) Once we’ve figured out who did what straight from each horse’s mouth,
- They take turns doing a four step apology. (via)
- They (gently) hug it out.
The Apology
- “I’m sorry for…” (the behavior they did that was wrong or unkind)
- “That was wrong/a bad choice because…” (the why–I helped them figure out why each thing was wrong at first, but now they can usually think of a reason)
- “Next time I will…” (something they will do, like “next time I will wait for a turn with that toy,” NOT something they won’t do, like “next time I won’t grab your toy.”)
- “Will you forgive me?”
(Usually by the end of this, the offended parties feel a little bit more vindicated and understood, and will agree to forgive each other.)
A Fight in the Post-Fighting Step World
Raise your hand if the Fighting Step sounds like a fun activity to you!!!
Guess what?! The kids don’t think it is a fun activity either!!!
So now when they tattle or get into an altercation, we pretty much just do steps one and two. It goes like this:
Step 1 (Someone tattles)
Kid A: MOOOO-OOOOOM!!!! KID B HIT ME IN THE FACE WITH A POTATO!!!
Kid B: NUH-UH!!! KID A WOULDN’T SHARE THE POTATO!!!
Step 2 (I offer to mediate on the fighting step)
Me (matter-of-fact-ly): Huh. It sounds like you guys are having a tough time. Would you like me to help you out on the Fighting Step, or do you think you can work it out yourselves?
Kids A and B exchange a knowing glance. Together: Work it out.
Kid A: Excuse me, Kid B, can you please not hit me with the potato.
Kid B: Yes. Can you please share the potato.
Kid A: I can share it when I’m done with it. Do you want to have the carrot while you wait?
Kid B: No, I want the potato.
Kid A: Okay, how about you have the potato and then can you give it back when you finish?
Kid B: Yeah.
Boom. Resolved. Without Mom!!!
I know this is so wonderful that it sounds like a lie. But we’ve been doing this for well over a year, and this is actually what happens most of the time now. Now and again someone feels so wronged that they are willing to put in their time and humility on The Fighting Step just to get their sibling to admit wrong-doing. And that’s fine. But usually they avoid it at all costs. Even if that means sharing without being forced to do so by Mom.
A Little Perspective
Now, this isn’t actually magic.
It is a lot of work up front, and the first week or so my kiddos were on the step ALL. THE. TIME. Like, multiple times a day. Sometimes within minutes of their last trip there. We ALL hated it. But once they learned (over time) that this was the way things were going to be, they started to think twice about just what they could and couldn’t work out for themselves.
A few months out they were on The Step (isn’t it intimidating how it’s capitalized?) a couple times a week. Now they probably only make it there once or twice a month.
We have also had to practice all kinds of situations so they know the nice way to behave. (My kids actually say “Excuse me?” really politely when they address me/each other sometimes because I’ve taught them the exact intonation and words to use in conflicts.) We’ve practiced:
- how to share,
- how to ask for something (an open hand with upturned palm instead of grabbing),
- how to say the four step apology,
- kind voices,
- kind words, and
- what to do if things still don’t go your way when you’re doing everything nicely.
My Favorite Part
More than anything else, I love that this process has given them OWNERSHIP of their OWN relationship.
The way they approach things now is way more meaningful than if I were forcing them to share/stop hitting/etc. and say those lame insincere “sorry”s all the time. They understand that their relationship is between them, and they are in charge of dealing with it–if a parent is involved, it is only as mediator, not as judge and jury.
They are also learning that they both contribute to a fight (even if it is “only” by retaliating when someone else “started it”), AND that their actions can both hurt and heal their siblings.
This process is one of my favorite things I’ve learned to do as a mama. I love to see my little people love each other and be friends.
This seems like it would be a lifesaver at my house. I think my kids would be on The Step multiple times a day to begin with, but it would be nice to have the eventual outcome like you have had. Thanks for sharing your experience with us!
Mine started out on the step SEVERAL times a day–but it was totally worth the effort up front to have them work things out so nicely now. ๐
These are some great tips. My boyfriend has an 11 year old and an 8 year old that just bicker constantly and it gets so frustrating. I think I’ll talk to him about trying some of these things.
Love your simple layout of how to implement the fighting step. I also love the 4 step apology you added! My kids hate it when I make them tell what they did in a fight. ๐
For FHE tonight we went over your fighting step routine. They weren’t overly excited, but it made total sense to them.
Not 3 minutes after one of my kids came to inform me that she accidentally scratched her sister, but she already apologized like we’d just gone over ( I know it won’t always go that well).
I told my kids I would make a copy of your fighting outline and post it in the place they’ll sit so we all know whats going on.
A print-out is a great idea, Robyn!
Love this!!! Thank you so much for sharing! Definitely saving for later! ๐
I am sure my mom wished she had a post like this when me and my sisters were younger! ;]
xo katie // a touch of teal
This is just so genius and I really need to start implementing it with my kids. Teaching them to take responsibility for their choices is so important to me and I sometimes struggle with the nuts and bolts of getting that to happen so I really appreciate you spelling it out here!
I feel exactly the same way. I so love when I find an article that spells out the “nuts and bolts”–somehow it is so much easier when I have an outline to follow. Good luck!
This was a great article. I’m ready to try it with my kids!!
It has been fantastic for us. We’ve been doing it for several years now, and my kids are about 95% more likely to choose to “work it out” themselves now than to join me for help on the “fighting step.”
Do you have any suggestions for when all the 6 year old (normally) does wrong is get upset too fast and has started bawling while the 3 year old just acts like a happy puppy the whole time??
Rebecca, it made me smile to read your question. I currently have a very emotive five-almost-six-year-old, and a happy-puppy 2.5 year old. ๐ We do a couple of things to mitigate the tension flares:
1. We practice interactions beforehand. If there is particular trouble with something (like sharing toys, or leaving the park) we practice how we can make that problem spot go better. For example, I’ll have my 5-year old practice holding out his open hand and asking for something from the 2-year-old, rather than snatching it away.
2. We have do-overs in the moment. I try to help my little guy calm down enough to hear me and explain the trouble, and then we try again. We talk about what is happening–is his sister not sharing because she’s not done with her turn? Did he grab and make her feel scared? How can he approach the situation differently? I also help his sister understand what he’s trying to say to her (“He wants a turn when you’re done.”) I try to help them learn how to interact with each other more peacefully, and in a way they can replicate (after some practice) without mom. ๐
3. My son and I talk a lot about how toddlers and preschoolers act, and (this is important to my little boy in particular) that our toddler’s actions don’t mean she doesn’t love him–simply that she is still learning to be a big kid like he is. I remind my 5-year-old that toddlers/preschoolers sometimes throw tantrums or don’t want to share or cry about random things, simply because they are younger and don’t know a better way. I also let him know that HE did those things, his BIG SISTER did those things–and even MOM AND DAD(!!!) did those things as a toddler/preschooler, and we learned better ways. I also try to help empower him by showing him how he can help: by teaching and showing her kinder or more appropriate ways to act.
Absolutely. One of the reasons this has worked so well for us is that is coincides with some of my overarching goals for my kids: to have the ability to (1) take responsibility for their actions, (2) work out disagreements and conflict on their own, and (3) take ownership of their relationships. We teach these things in day-to-day in-the-moment ways, but this particular process drives home all three items at once (AND takes me out of the “bad guy” seat and places me in a “mediator” role, which I LOVE).
Wow, I really like this approach. I have three kids under 7 and I feel like I am constantly medicating with TV because I can’t stand all the fighting. I am going to try this. It sounds like a concrete respectful way to teach through these situations instead if just reacting. Thank you for sharing it.
Great post, I love that book!
Great article! We did this 30 years ago but we used our LOVE SEAT. Sometimes all 3 would sit together on the love seat and didnt leave it until they could figure out a plan on how to get along. They worked it out and all 3 adults have a very close relationship now. They often recall me saying we HAVE to love one another and we HAVE to have harmony in the home. Plus it gave me 5-10 min of sanity????
I am going to try this immediately! Thank you for sharing. My lowest moments as a mom generally come when I have lost my mind with the bickering and whining!
Great article for younger kids, but how would you suggest dealing with bossy older (teen/tween) kids that constantly disrespect their younger (6,7,8 year old) siblings? I feel that they have outgrown being put in “timeout”.
Hi Lindsay!
Thanks for your comment. Because I don’t have kids as old as your tween, I can’t give you a definitive age based answer. But based on the interaction I see between my kids, and copious amounts of reading on parenting and psychology I’ve done, I would bet there’s something deeper going on.
The basis of my post, as you probably noticed, is less about stopping the actual fighting and more about getting kids to take ownership of their own relationships. My best guess is that your older child is starting to feel caught between the world of being a child and being an adult. As a tween and teenager I remember wanting so desperately to be grown up so I could make my own choices, but also being overwhelmed by the changes that were coming at me so quickly: mental, physical, emotional, and social.
I know that’s probably a big thing to tackle, but finding some ways to help your older child feel independent and responsible may help relieve some of the tension between them. I also like to talk to my kids frequently about the tones they use and how their behavior affects the other kid. If they’re being truly rude, I sometimes even make them say a sentence over in a better way. There is eye rolling, but c’est la vie.
I highly recommend looking up Amy McCready. Her book, “If I Have to Tell You One More Time” totally changed the way I look at parenting and made both me and my kids feel more empowered.
Best of luck,
Jamie
I love this idea and will definitely be implementing it, as we have 1 week left before summer break, and as you can probably assume from my seeking out ideas to stop sibling fighting… like you once were, I’m a bit apprehensive about it. I have one question though, what did you do when not at home/near your step? We have a lot of fighting in the car! Thank you!
Oh great question! When we’re not near the designated step, I just pick out a place. We have done a “fighting step” on my bedroom or kitchen floor, and I’ve even invited them to sit down in an aisle at Target. (Don’t mess with my Target run, y’all!) Proximity to each other and somewhere to sit are pretty much my only requirements. And when necessary, I’ve pulled the car over, too. ๐ Consistency is the key with this–the first few weeks you’ll be doing it a TON, but in my experience it lightens up a TON once they figure out they can’t just get each other in trouble anymore. ๐
Got it. Thank you!
This sounds amazing and I can’t wait to implement it with my 7 and 4 year old. My 4 year old is very overly emotional and a major tattle-tale. We’ve been struggling with figuring out how to handle the never-ending fights with them. One question, though – how do you manage the Fighting Step when out and about? We’re at a restaurant for breakfast and they’re fighting over everything from who gets to sit next to mommy to which crayons they each get and so on. It makes being out with them so exhausting.
It is a huge pain, but I will make them do a fighting step wherever we are if things are getting out of hand. I try to get them somewhere with a little bit of privacy (a deserted aisle in Target or outside a restaurant by the curb or back in our car), and we go through the whole thing. Consistency is key, and you’ll probably find it happening a LOT in the first few weeks, but once they know you mean business it should lighten up a ton. We only do it about once a month now (and I have three kids ages 3, 6, and 8, now who are old enough to do this!). Every once in a while I call up the stairs when I hear them snipping or yelling and ask if they need a Fighting Step moment–they always call back “No!” and chill out really fast! Ha!