A few years ago my husband, Steve,
and I got into the worst fight we’ve ever had.
It started gradually enough, beginning as a disagreement, a misunderstanding. But some combination of exhaustion, pregnancy hormones, and probably just plain selfishness got stirred up like a wildfire inside me.
I was tired of speaking gently. Tired of the give-and-take of working something out the right way. Tired of keeping my voice calm. I was tired of holding my anger in.
So, for the first time in our marriage, I didn’t.
I shouted at him every single thought that came to my mind. And with that I broke a trust we had been building for years. It took months for me to prove myself again.
And it still makes me ache when I think of how badly my thoughtless words hurt him.
The intense power of a 5 second pause.
Since then I’ve seen time and again that a pause can be incredibly powerful.
Think about it:
How many times have you said “yes” immediately when someone asked you to join a committee, babysit their child, add one more project to your list–only to realize later that you’re already drowning in commitments and extracurriculars?
How often have you issued an overboard punishment to a whining child (who might just be overtired, hungry, or anxious) because you acted on your immediate feelings instead of pausing to assess the whole situation?
How many times have you fallen into the same trap I did in an argument–speaking words you can’t take back because you didn’t pause to consider their power?
It’s easy to feel that pausing to think restricts your freedom, because it often makes you back away from that visceral gut reaction that pulls so strongly.
But that’s not true.
In fact, pausing gives you the power to build the life you want, one moment at a time.
Pause before you react to someone else’s anger.
You’ve probably heard that famous advice from Proverbs 15:1,
“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.”
The same logic that applied when those insightful words were first written apply now. Your child writhing on the floor is bound to “stir up anger” in you. (We’ve ALL been there, I promise.)
Pausing to clear the fog of that anger will give you power over the chaos.
Yes, your kid may scream and flail in the Target toy aisle for ten seconds longer while you gather yourself. But it’s worth it, I promise. Find the soft answer (and “soft” to me in this moment means calm and intentional, not mushy and coddling) and then handle the situation.
It feels so much better when you do it this way, mama, trust me.
I’ve had my fair share of nights when I kissed sleeping heads and cried at how I let my frustrations turn me into the scary angry ogre mom. I’ve felt that shame, that regret, and I know you have, too. It breaks your heart.
Pause instead.
Pause before you say “Yes!” to a commitment.
Mama, you’ve got so much on your plate.
You’re in charge of the to-do list, the doctor visits, making sure the homework is done. You’ve got dinner duty, hair-braiding, grocery shopping, killing spiders under little people’s beds, housekeeping, bill-paying, story time, bedtime and baths, teeth brushing, and lost-shoe-finding.
And most importantly, you’re raising sweet little people, being there for your sweetheart, and trying to remember how to take care of yourself in the process.
So the next time someone asks you to join their committee, watch their kids, spearhead a bake sale, or teach a class pause and think:
What am I saying “no” to if I say yes to this?
A few months ago I realized that babysitting while my kids are still awake stresses me out to no end. While I love helping my friends out by watching their littles, saying “yes” to babysitting meant I was saying “NO” to being a happy, available mom for my own children.
Feel free to find an alternative if you really want to help–offer to bake brownies for the bake sale instead of being in charge of it–but don’t feel like you have to do everything.
If you’re sacrificing the welfare of yourself and your family, it’s not something you need to do.
Pause before you say yes.
TIP: If you’re not sure whether to say yes or now right away, or you have a hard time saying no in the moment, just say, “Let me check my calendar and get back to you.” And then get back to them when you’re comfortable with your answer. 🙂
Find your power
I’m sure you can think of a million other times that a pause would help you create a more intentional life. Pausing before I put my achilles-heel junk food the cart at the grocery store comes to mind for me. (I can’t resist goldfish crackers and chocolate chip cookies if they’re in plain sight!)
But however else you choose to use it, I really encourage you to try to pause when you fill up with anger. It is such a small instant to give up, but it will give you so much.
Go forth, mama. But, you know. Take your time. 😉
xo,
Jamie
p.s. The importance of creating time for yourself and 5 things to do when your kid’s tantrum is ruining the fun.
