“Busy mom” was never a title I thought I’d carry.
When my first daughter was born, I thought our days would be slow and magical:
On sunny days we’d pick flowers for daisy chains and swing side-by-side in the park.
Winter weather would mean cuddling up with storybooks and watching rain run down the windowpanes.
I didn’t foresee all the laundry and cleaning, chauffeuring and shopping, schedule-juggling and church activities. Add three more kids to the mix, and it became easier and easier to fall into the trap of busy mom life: always moving, yet somehow always behind.
Then a few years ago, I decided I didn’t want to be a busy mom.
I wanted time to sit on the sofa and sew, or dig in the garden while my kids played our the cul-de-sac.
Are you there, too? These 6 questions will help you figure out how to slow your mom-life down so you can actually enjoy it.
When Mom got Really Not Busy
When the world locked down in March of 2020, our calendars were suddenly were wiped clean of everything except the absolutely required: making food, facilitating Zoom school, and the occasional trip to the mailbox or the grocery store.
No more busy mom (or dad, or kids).
Suddenly we were un-busy, and it was… uncomfortable.
But it was also strangely eye opening.
Suddenly our neighborhood was filled with families taking walks, chalking their driveways, and working in the garden.
Etsy shops were sold out of embroidery and activity kits, and there was a waiting list to buy bikes at our local bike shop.
It was almost like we were all waking up.
With all but our most basic commitments cleared, we rediscovered rest, boredom, and play.
Did you notice that?
And while some days it felt absolutely brutal, it was also a chance for us to start over.
What’s Making Moms So Busy?
You might think the answer to this is easy:
Clearly, our schedules and our never-ending task lists make us busy!
But I think the answer is a little more complicated and (*gulp*) personal than that:
It’s often our choices that make us busy.
Some things we simply can’t wipe off our calendars. Children with extra needs might have multiple therapy sessions in a week.
But other things–even very good things!–might be filling up your calendar without actually building toward your family’s well-being.
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Do You Want to be a Busy Mom?
As the world begins to open back up, our impulse might be to pick everything back up. We might rush to sign up for all the things, or fall back into giving out people-pleasing “yesses” to every request in the name of reclaiming “normal.”
But here’s the thing: do you want pick it all back up?
Before the pandemic, did your busy mom self feel over-scheduled and under-rested?
Did you have time to hang out as a family–go for a hike, draw chalk on the driveway, eat an unhurried (though okay, probably still noisy) dinner together?
Were there afternoons where you could choose what you wanted to do because you didn’t have to be at a meeting, an activity, a practice?
Did your kids have time for unstructured play?
Before you can decide what’s worth your time, you need to know: what kind of life are you dreaming of?
Bye-Bye Busy Mom: Deciding What to Keep
1. Why Are You Keeping It?
In 14 years of being married, Steve and I have moved 10 times. (Ugh.)
Moving our growing family again and again (and again!) taught us some really practical lessons, but one of the biggest and best things we learned is this:
Sometimes
we hold on to things that aren’t really important,
just because we’re used to having them around.
This happens with our lives and schedules, too.
We keep adding extracurriculars, get-togethers, and big projects to our calendars without even questioning if they are serving our goals for our kids or supporting our family life.
We just do them because we’ve always done them.
So take a hard look at your own calendar. How many things in your life, in your family’s lives, have you been keeping on the docket just because you were used to them?
2. What’s Worth the Cost?
Each time we moved, Steve and I had to take a hard look at all our stuff, and decide what was worthy of being packed.
Every square foot of box space had a dollar amount attached to it.
That meant every item we kept would have to be wrapped, packed, hauled, unpacked, and stored somewhere in our new place.
So those three surplus serving trays we’d gotten for our wedding (but never really used)–if we took them along just because we already had them, would cost us time, effort, energy, and money.
The same goes for the things we add to our schedule:
Every commitment we make, every box in our calendar or task on our to-do list, is going to cost us one or more of those 4 things–and that’s a great place to start deciding which things are worth the cost.
Not everything will pass the test–and that’s okay.
The Busy Mom’s To-Do List
Okay busy mom–it’s time to tackle your endless and overflowing to-do list.
3. What Feels Urgent–and What’s Actually Important?
Some days (most days!) it feels like there are a MILLION things you need to do–but I have some good news:
Often times the things demanding our attention aren’t really that important.
One thing I’ve learned as I’ve tried to find more peace in my busy mama brain is that there is a big difference between the “urgent” and the “important.”
“Urgent” things make busy mom feel overwhelmed & behind.
They’re the things that practically scream for your attention:
- Piles of laundry waiting to be washed or folded
- Emails & text messages pinging on your phone
- Snail mail piling up your kitchen counter
- Fingerprints on the stainless steel and ketchup on the floor
- Invitations and expectations from church, school, & extracurriculars
They often seem important in the moment, but have very little impact on the big picture of our lives.
Will you regret bowing out of the PTA fundraiser in 20 years? Probably not. But it sure feels urgent when you get 3 emails, a flyer in two kids’ backpacks, and a text from the PTA president.
“Important” things help moms (and their families!) feel GOOD.
Important things usually don’t demand our attention.
In fact, we usually have to deliberately choose the important things–often by saying “No” or “Wait” to the urgent things.
Important things fulfill needs borne of our core values–they move us closer to the people we want to be, the lives we want to live, the relationships we want to foster.
Sometimes urgent things need our attention. Muddy dogs (or toddlers!) need to be washed, bills need to be paid, and we all know it’s time for a load of laundry when the clean undies run out.
But the quiet, important things–a child who needs a cuddle and a story book after a hard day, a nap or walk we need to take to soothe our body or brain, daily space to be unhurried and present as a family–are allowed to trump the noisy and urgent.
5. Are You Choosing the Best Stuff First?
Having a moving truck–an actual physical container–into which we had to fit everything we wanted to keep was a great motivator to get rid of the things that weren’t serving us.
It’s also a great metaphor for thinking through our lifestyle.
Too often we pack up the unimportant things first–the things we’re used to (but don’t necessarily serve us), the things we feel guilty about saying “no” to, the things other people pressure us into doing.
And then, with all those huge things packed into our moving trucks, we feel frustrated that we can’t shove what we really want into the cracks. Things like family time, or date night, or space for exercise, creativity, play, and rest!
You’re allowed to put those things in first–to prioritize them over anything and everything else.
What if I Still Don’t Know What to Quit and What to Keep?
What if you ask all these questions, and you’re still not sure if one of your “good” things is good enough to keep?
6. Is it a clear yes?
When I’m answering this question for myself, I love Essentialism author Greg McKeown’s advice:
“If it isn’t a clear yes, then it’s a clear no.”
Or, I’d add, it’s at least a clear “not-right-now.”
Our schedules, like the inside of a U-Haul truck, are persistently finite.
They can’t stretch to accommodate an unlimited number of activities, plans, and commitments–and mama, you don’t have to torture yourself with busyness trying to make that magically happen.
You’re allowed to say, “No, thanks,” or “Not yet,” or “Maybe next time,” or “That’s not a good fit.”
You’re allowed to commit to protecting downtime, family time, and rest with the same ferocity that you commit to getting your kids to sschool on time.
Your time is yours to use, protect, and share.
Here’s to being un-busy moms, making space for what matters.
xo,
Jamie
