Confession: Before I had kids, I kind of thought motherhood would be more like being an aunt.
I thought there would be lots of art projects and flower crowns and story-telling and cuddling. Probably some pillow forts. Or a tree house! Hand-holding, baking cookies, and grinning at each other non-stop.
Don’t get me wrong–some of these things definitely happen sometimes. But they take up way less of the mom-life pie chart than I thought they would.
I wasn’t prepared for the mountains of laundry, tantrums, and responsibility that came with this gig. It is just so easy to burn out.
And I did.
Many times.
When I realized things needed to change, I started looking for ways to make things easier, smoother, and better.
Here are six ways you can make space to breathe, rest, and feel better in this wild ride we call motherhood. ๐
1. Put Shopping on Autopilot
During our diapering years (we just potty trained our littlest last month!) I fell in love with Amazon’s Subscribe & Save service.
Every month–without my having to remember!–a box of diapers showed up on our porch. It was amazing.
Now that we’re done with diapers I’m taking a look at other things we run out of (or need to change) at regular intervals. Stuff like:
- vitamins,
- makeup wipes,
- hand soap (or soap refills),
- shampoo,
- body soap,
- toilet paper,
- feminine hygiene products,
- toothbrushes and toothpaste,
- baby wipes,
- fridge water filter replacements, and
- lunch snacks
What else could you add to this list? Cleaning products? Pet supplies? They can even auto-send you replacement filters for your air conditioner!
Having things we always need set up to arrive when we need them (you can choose how often each item is shipped!) frees up so much space in my overfull brain, and takes pressure off me to keep those balls in the air.
2. Choose Compassion Over Mom-Guilt
In the early years of motherhood, I found myself grappling with a nearly-constant shame: I loved being a mother… but I longed to be more.
I wanted to write and draw. I missed spending hours reading book uninterrupted. (I missed doing anything uninterrupted!)
And though I adored my babies, I also craved the freedom to have a day that didn’t revolve around nap times, tantrums, and toddlers who wouldn’t let me put their shoes on.
Did you know–it’s okay to want to be more than a mom?
“Mother”–like sister, daughter, wife, teacher, or friend–is a role in our lives; it doesn’t have to be our entire identity.
Can you imagine someone saying to you, “You’re already a sister! Isn’t that enough for you?!”
Never, right?
Yet we constantly criticize ourselves for wanting to exist outside our role as “mom,” too.
It is okay to make space for other parts of yourself.
(pssst: here’s how I make time to learn and how I set boundaries so my kids will let me work or create)
3. Get Everything Out of Your Brain
Have you ever heard the term “the mental load”?
It’s that almost physical weight of all the things we carry in our mom-brains: the to-dos, the doctor’s appointments, the grocery lists, the relationship maintenance, the school assignments, and on and on.
It’s the thing that wakes us up at 4am, so worried about forgetting to buy tupperware for the kids’ lunchboxes that we can’t sleep. (I actually experienced this recently. #facepalm)
The best way to ease this pain?
Make a simple system of writing stuff down.
I lay out exactly how I do my “brain dump” and sort process here, but don’t feel like you have to get fancy. A simple sheet of paper taped to the fridge will do the trick!
I use a combo of paper and digital tools to organize all the things I need to do or remember.
These tools are like my external brain–they hold important things in a safe place so my actual brain can be free to think, rest, and create!
My current favorites are:
- A weekly Erin Condren paper planner,
- A yearly Powersheets goal planner (also paper, and I LOVE it!) from Cultivate What Matters,
- A Google Calendar to stay synced with my husband, and
- A to-do list app to track shopping lists or tasks
4. Make Big Parenting Decisions in Advance
Decision fatigue plagues me on the daily–that mental exhaustion that overwhelms us after a day of being in charge of overseeing all the intricacies of our kids’ (and our own) lives.
One of the best ways I’ve found to combat this is to make as many decisions as possible in advance (like subscribe & save ordering!).
And one of the biggest decisions-in-advance I’ve ever made was figuring out what I am trying to achieve long-term as a mother.
I have a set of skills and values that I want to teach my kids, and I weigh the options of most decisions against those goals:
Should we add a new extracurricular?
How much effort should I give to helping my kids work out an argument?
Do I want to buy my kid a phone?
Keeping my long-term goals at the forefront helps me make decisions quickly and more confidently.
5. Delegate the Non-Essential
Modern motherhood often embodies a plethora of roles, from chauffeur to teacher, dishwasher to referee.
But not every role is created equal.
There are some things that must be done by us as “Mom.” Our kids need us to be reliable in that role: to contribute to their lives as a role model, guide, source of love, and a safe space.
While the forms these things take will look different in each home, this aspect of our job as mom is critical and probably non-delegational.
But ALL THAT OTHER STUFF WE DO?! The cooking, cleaning, appointment-making, shopping, etc., etc., etc.???
Maybe it doesn’t have to actually be done by you.
Think about your to-do list, and be honest with yourself: is this something that only you can do? Or could you call in the help of someone else?
- The grocery store can bake treats for the upcoming PTA meeting.
. - Your husband or partner might be able to take a kid to the doctor, or pick up that sheet of poster board for the forgotten-but-due-tomorrow book report.
. - A delivery service like DoorDash or Instacart could drop off your dinner or groceries on a busy day.
. - Kids as young as 4 or 5 can do chores like folding laundry or taking out small trash cans.
6. Take Time Off from Being “Mom”
Being a “reliable” mom doesn’t mean you have to be physically present with your children at all times.
Time away can not only allow you some caretaker-relief, but also give your child the opportunity to develop a “secure attachment” to you–a part of your relationship that lets them know that when you leave, you always come back.
I’ve snatched some time away in lots of different ways over the years:
- I regularly tag out with my husband, Steve, to simply to have some time to myself. No errands. Just uninterrupted time to use as I want to.
. - When he was deployed, I got a babysitter once a week for the simple relief of not being in charge.
. - When money was tight and he was in school full-time, I swapped childcare with some other moms one morning a week.
. - When I can’t get someone else to help, I strategically use screen time, or I put myself in time-out.
What first felt like a luxury to me now feels like a necessity:
Regularly taking some time away from my role as “Mom” is life-giving to me. It makes me a happier person and a better mom.
How can you give yourself permission to make space for yourself?
Try leaning into it through prayer or meditation, self-compassion, and practice, and notice how taking time to care for and recharge yourself changes your motherhood.
As always, we’re in this together. <3
Keep fighting the good fight–and maybe order a pizza for dinner?
xo,
Jamie
Tired woman image by Vladislav Muslakov
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